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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Pretty in Pink...Lesbians in Love

This one's for you Dweej!

You came here looking for something hot and sexy didn't you?  Didn't you??  Come on, admit it!

Just kidding...and Kurt, if you're reading this, you were right, there's nothing here for you, it's all just a bunch of nonsense and silly girl stuff   :-)

Really, I would just like to know, what is the fascination with lesbians these days?  Well, not just these days, but any and all days.  Guys (well, most of them, including the one I'm married to) are in love with lesbians.  One of Kurt's favorite party jokes is that HE is a lesbian (get it?)

Over my adult years, I have known a few lesbian couples and some of them were very good friends or co-workers of mine.  These gals were pretty normal looking and acting for the most part...and for the record, I never had a single one of my lesbian friends come to the door in a negligee beckoning me inside with soft lips and promises of wild sexual fantasies come true.

For men, that seems to be the image they have in their minds...all lesbians are beautiful, sex-crazed nymphs who also like to fool around with men who happen to show up at just the right moments (conveniently enough.)  In fact, all of my lesbian friends who were couples were just normal people living together like married people (go ahead and insert mental picture of over-worked spouse coming home to stressed-out spouse and making the mistake of asking what's for dinner) and trying to make it work.  Oh, and also?  They didn't want to have sex with men.  I know, I know, I'm not making a lot of friends here.  Please read on...

I did a search for "lesbian women" on google images and here are some of the photos I found...

Do you just LOVE the caption of this photo????

Well, there you have it...all lesbians are gorgeous and are always touching and kissing each other!  Right?  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight....

I would like to take a look at the porn lesbian vs. the real life lesbian...let's begin.

The porn lesbian has a name like Candy, Barbie or Lusty Lexy (don't ask me, I just made it up.) She has features that are ultra soft and feminine...long golden hair falling in luscious waves;  full breasts; curvy hips; firm, supple thighs; perfectly manicured nails and toes and plump, rose colored lips turned up into a slight, mysterious smile...beckoning you to come inside and be naughty with them.  The porn lesbian may work in an office, but she wears clothes that are too tight and heels that are too high.  Her job is to entertain her boss (always men) with her silly antics and pillow fights with other porn lesbians who work in the office (yes, pillow fights...follow along please!)

The porn lesbian lives right next door to a really cute college guy who just came home for the weekend with his girlfriend and doesn't know what to do to entertain her for the next couple of days while mom and dad are out of town.  In this particular situation, the porn lesbian always tries to bake a cake and realizes that she doesn't have any sugar in the cupboard.  At just the right moment, the porn lesbian will show up at the front door wearing nothing but an apron, fuck-me-pumps and a smile to ask for some sugar (he he he!)

Unlike porn lesbians, real-life lesbians have names like Cathy and Susan and Jennifer (disclaimer:  I am not referring to specific people here, I just tried to give you some common names so if you are a real-life lesbian and I know you and your name is one of the above, please know that I was not thinking of you right now, I'm just trying to write a story here so please don't be offended, okay?) and have had their share of hard knocks and wear and tear.

She has birthed babies, (some real-life lesbians don't start living that way until after they have tried being "normal" and doing the whole husband and kids thing trying to fit in with what is expected of them by parents and friends) has eaten a few too many carbs and likes real sugar in her coffee.  Her blonde hair is from a bottle and comes complete with trailer trash roots every 4 weeks.  Her skin is marked with damage from a few too many sunburns, her eyes wrinkled in the corners from laughing at a few too many bad jokes.  Her breasts, once perky, have been abused by babies that refused to take a bottle.  She has stretch marks on her hips and dimples on her thighs instead of her cheeks.  Her fingernails short and free from polish, and there is a little stubble on the legs...oh wait!  I was just describing myself!!  But seriously, real-life lesbians look just like "normal" women.

Unlike the porn lesbian, the real-life lesbian will never show up at your door wearing little more than a smile while begging you to help her and her girlfriend with her "golf swing."  Real-life lesbians have bad days and bad moods.  They are not sex-crazed maniacs in search of their next fix.  In short, they are just like you and me. And shoot!  Unless they tell you they are lesbians, you probably wouldn't even know one if you saw one.


Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Y'know, I've never met a lesbian who looks like a porn lesbian!

Dwija {House Unseen} said...

Those porn lesbians are not very good at planning ahead, are they? Why are they always running out of stuff? Forgetting to get all the way dressed? Neglecting to close the blinds on their windows? If I was a real-life lesbian I'd wanna punch those posers in their fake faces! Hmmmm, wait...yes, that *is* how I feel about porn non-lesbians too! ;)

Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy said...

Bravo! I'm making my husband read this. He needs to know the porn lesbian doesn't exist in the real world. I have a feeling this will be like telling a child there is no santa....