I hope you enjoy my blog...if you do, please "follow" me! XOXOXO...BettyShmetty

Friday, June 10, 2011

Filling the void...

After a great visit with my sister-in-law Cindy, I feel really good!  I have missed having girlfriends around me.  As I started writing this blog, I mentioned that my sister had moved to Hawaii and a couple of close friends had also moved away.  Writing here has helped ease the empty space that has formed in the wake of losing my girls, but honestly, sometimes you just need the face time with another woman. 

I speak to my sister on a regular basis on the phone.  Even with the 6 hour time difference, we are managing to stay in touch, but it's not the same.  Sometimes I find myself wanting to talk to her and knowing she's asleep.  Sometimes, I just want to go to a thrift store with her.  She is fun to be around and can make friends with anyone.  She loves finding quirky shops and likes to get to know the shop owners.  Some of her very good friends are people she met walking into a shop or restaurant.  I miss her.

The girlfriend void is more complicated.  Something happened with my friends about a year ago.  Actually, in retrospect, what happened is that I found out that people are judgmental (even those that you think you can trust with anything are not really like that.)  I had some friends (one in particular) that I trusted like that...like a sister.  I found out the hard way that I was being naive.  People will always have their opinions about what is right or wrong and no matter how close you think you are to someone, they can judge and hurt you just like everyone else.  There really are very few people walking around that you can trust like that.  Unfortunately, the people who are left in my life in the wake of what happened, those who are true friends, don't live near me.  They are there, but there is far from here.

My sister is not judgmental like that, not with me.  She loves me unconditionally.  She doesn't care what I have done or will do.  I know I can count on her to have my back, to be there for me, to love me.  She remembers our history.  She knows about the sacrifices we have made for each other over the years.  She remembers these things even after we have disagreements that get ugly...because, of course, we occasionally have these.

Having Cindy here reminded me how much I actually need that in close proximity.  Everyone needs that kind of love and support.  Since my "friends" hurt me, I am finding that I am developing "friendships" with my fellow online bloggers.  I find myself talking or confiding in those that read my blog, not just a flesh and blood woman.  It comes close...especially when those of you who read these posts actually comment and tell me what you think about what I've written here.  It's almost like a conversation...almost.

Cindy and I had some great talks about the things we have in common...husbands, kids, baseball and mothers who think you are doing everything wrong.  We walked on the beach and searched for sea glass together.  We rode the slides at the Rapids and laughed so hard we cried.  We rolled our eyes when our kids ignored us and dove into the dirty pond water anyway and we had a glass of wine to make it all better.  It was good having her here and I am going to miss her.


CindyN said...

Hey Girl, I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened with me after my move. You can always take a little escape to Philly and hang with me!! I miss you. And love you just the way you are. xxoo

Diana Burfield (BettyShmetty) said...

Cindy, you just made me cry...I miss and love you too. There isn't any other person I know that I can actually talk with for two hours over lunch without a single pause in the conversation. You are a gem and you live a thousand miles away :(

CindyN said...

But it's only a two hour plane ride! OR you drive north and I'll drive south and we can meet in the middle!!

Robin said...

My Sweet Lady Di,
I can read your heartfelt words that express how hard it is to be sans your sister. I too can relate to the feeling of not having a sister near. Sadly, my experiences aren’t because she isn’t near in proximity, but because she is committed to a life of drug and alcohol addiction… and has been as long as I can remember. Over the last forty two years of my life, she could be sitting in the same room, and not be near.
A hundred million times over, I have stood in the card isles and read beautifully worded cards that expressed that deep love a sister has for a sister. I have envied that. I have been angered by it, hurt to the core by it, and now, I simply accept it for what it is.
The silver lining in it all, I suppose, is that although I wasn’t given that close loving “sisterly love” that you so fondly speak of, I was given the gift of some really amazing girlfriends in my life. Many of which have come and gone, served for a spell, moved away, got disconnected, passed away, got married, had kids and had their focus changed, whatever, but each have left some sort of lasting imprint on my heart and life that helped mold me. Some have hurt me… deeply. Some, just like you, I thought I could trust, and shouldn’t have. Some showed their true colors in time… patience always reveals deception, I suppose. And in some ways, that has made me a little more guarded to nurture new relationships with women. Some have shown their significant insecurities that manifest themselves into competition and that is just simply exhausting. And although those relationships have hurt me, I’m still grateful I had those too. Because I now know, at 42 years old, that what I want in the second half of my life, doesn’t look anything at all like I had in the first half. I know what I “don’t want” in a friend, and that has led to a place of knowing exactly what I DO want! (-;
For the next half, I want the girls in my life to giggle with me over margaritas, not judge me if I fail, call me out when I’m out of line (in a gentle way of course), and have my back to the degree that if I’m sitting in a holding cell awaiting first appearance, she’s sitting next to me saying,” I bet those bitches will think twice before they try to hit on OUR men!” LOL
Di, you will forever be my friend… my in-the-trenches friend. Regardless of time, distance, responsibilities, life…whatever. Forever.
Love you sister!
Robin G.

Diana Burfield (BettyShmetty) said...

Oh Robin, you are a precious treasure. I know your struggles with your sister. I also remember how many times I have seen you with a hopeful look on your face when she has had moments of sobriety along the way. I am sorry you don't have that sister bond with her, it is priceless, but I can picture us in that holding cell, right along with Cindy! I love you my friend. Again...tears.

CindyN said...

I know how you feel Robin having a sister who you want so dearly to be close to and she making it almost impossible. My sister, although not a drug/alcohol addict, is just distant and detached. It has been this way all my life no matter how hard I tried to foster a closer, warmer more loving bond with her. My mother used to really nag me about this, somehow blaming me for the distance between us. After she moved to Florida and saw how much I tried and my sister refused, Mom finally apologized for the years of ragging. All those years of trying to have a real sister in my life with the kind of relationship I so dearly wanted, left me angry, sad and exhausted. I finally just gave up trying. My life was easier, but I still felt sad and couldn't understand her lack of desire to be my "sister".

Now, in our fifties, I am trying once again to foster a stronger bond with her. Stubborn, aren't I?? It's one of the reasons I bought the house in Scottsdale. To be closer to her 5 months of the year and get to not only escape winter, but to spend more time having fun with her. We see each other twice a week and enjoy each others company. Will we ever be as close as I'd like? Probably not. I have come to accept that she is not the kind of person who maintains close relationships with anyone. She has no, and never has had, any girlfriends. Now that I've stopped taking it personally I can just enjoy our time together, because I expect nothing more.

Life is so much easier up here. No one cares what you look like, what you have, how pretty you are, how wealthy you are, how big your house is (none are in the city) or whether you've gained a few pounds. It's all about substance. Take away all the other shit and it's easier to meet 'real' people.

While I have a few good friends here who I trust and who's company I enjoy, I do miss Diana and you. Perhaps, I'll be able to make it down there sometime for a long girl's only weekend. Or you guys could come out to Scottsdale in the winter and we could hike and sightsee and laugh till we peed ourselves! I miss ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about Florida except you two ladies. **sigh**

CindyN said...

Hmm, we're in a holding cell?? Now what mischief did the three of us conjure up this time?? LOL

Diana Burfield (BettyShmetty) said...

LOL Cindy! Don't you remember?? We were there with Robin and those bitches tried hitting on our men! How else would we end up in a holding cell?!?!?!?!

CindyN said...

I kind of thought we were most likely drunk and disorderly. You know, one too many Rum Runners at Banana Boat. I like it when women it on my man. It makes him feel good and he gets all flustered!!

Anonymous said...

Diana, I have moved so many times in my life that I just stopped trying to make girlfriends for a while there. I get it. I'm glad we all found you here - I think we're all discovering a great group of friends that we never would have known.

Diana Burfield (BettyShmetty) said...

I know! I feel weird for even saying that to the people who aren't online making friends, but it's true! I feel a kinship with all of you here. I feel like I get to know you from reading your blogs and the comments from other friends. It really does help to fill the void. Thanks for getting it! I'm so grateful for my new friends!

Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy said...

Hi, Diana -

I'm glad you had such a great visit with the sis-in-law, and I'm sorry that you feel kind of lonely where girl friends are concerned. I've felt that way a lot of my life, too, been disappointed time and again by real-life friends who can only seem to judge. I have only a couple of "forever friends" in real life, and I know what a treasure they are.

I'm glad blogging has given you an outlet and a way to connect with female friends. I feel the same way about it and am so thankful to have met people like you. :)

AnnaMarie said...

Diana, I love you so much. I miss your face :) I am happy that we are close and it is easy to talk to you :) Love you xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoooxxooxoxo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diana Burfield (BettyShmetty) said...

@Katie, thank you so much for saying that! While I feel good to know that I am not the only one, it's sad to think that there are so many other women out there that have experienced similar disappointments when it comes to friends. I'm glad we have found each other too! I'm also glad that it's not as weird to be making friends like this as I had originally thought. I was beginning to feel a little odd about the connection I am starting to feel with you and the other girls out there!
@Anna, Sister, you know I love you too and I always will. You have a good heart and I am lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful person as part of my family. You and I both know how rare and precious that is in our particular clan.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Sisters are awesome. I'm lucky mine is living just 10 minutes away and we talk almost every day!

I too find difficult with real life girlfriends - I have many but many are living in different countries. We have fallen into 'catching up' on Facebook, sadly. I have a couple of good friends I see but not as often as we'd like, due to family commitments and such. So I'm like you, looking for and finding some truly awesome women through blogging, who I share so much more with than my real life friends! Just know that you can always chat on Twitter with me :)