Road Trip Journal Day 4...Goat action, muscle poses and whore house tokens...

Cindy and Hans have farm animals.  Specifically, they have 4 goats (two of which are babies), 30 chickens, and 2 dogs.  They just butchered their cow, so they don't have one right now. 

The adult goats smell just like goat cheese to me...kind of gamey.  The babies don't have a smell.  "How do you know?" you ask?  Well, cause I held one, that's how!  Cindy, who is an expert at all the farm-type stuff, was able to catch one yesterday and handed it over to me.  I wasn't too sure about it cause of the smell of the adults but I took it from her anyway.  He/she was so soft!  It's fur was sort of like a dog's fur and it smelled clean, well, like, no smell clean.  I held him long enough for a photo op and then handed it over to Jack, who, when he saw I was holding a goat, came running over saying, "Don't let it go!"

Of course, Jack being a boy and all, he went a little further in the goat snuggling business by actually kissing it repeatedly, on the mouth!  Pretty adorable...

It should be noted that later, back at the house, Hans (seeing white goat hair all over my black shirt) said, "You got yourself some goat action...isn't that the best?" right before he struck this pose...

I know, I know!   He's a Goofball!  Hans says I'm the only one that gets him...he might be right...I love him, he cracks me up!

After getting the "goat action" we went to the chicken coop.  One of the things I was looking forward to up here was having fresh eggs.  Cindy and Hans built a chicken coop on the side of their barn.  There's a cool little laying box mounted to the wall and it has a ramp that leads up to it.  Here you go, some pics of the coop and chicks...

And, we got lucky and there were two eggs, which I had for breakfast this morning!

Oh, and before I forget!  We went to Trade Days on Tuesday morning.  It's a flea market that happens twice a week in Calhoun, GA.  As Cindy and I were driving in, I spotted a table that had LOTS of really old bottles on it.  I said "Oh!  Bottles!  I gotta get out!" and then I jumped out of the car.  Luckily, Cindy was driving slowly!  And look at what I found...

I know it's not a very good picture, but there was so much stuff to look at!  I bought 16 bottles from this table for $12 dollars!!!  They are really old too!  I was so excited for the rest of my time there that I completely forgot to take any other photos of all the awesome stuff there.  There was so much good stuff and it was SO CHEAP!!  I guess the people up here have a lot of good old stuff and they can get rid of it for very little money.  Look at the cool stuff I bought...

I know you can't really tell what they are so I'll just tell you!!  The round things shaped like coins the size of half dollars?  Those are whore house tokens.  I KNOW!  Look...

It says "ONE FIRST CLASS LAY" and it's from Goldfield, Nevada.  All of the five tokens are different.  The rectangular shaped objects are tin photographs called derogotypes.  Here's one up close...

By the way, if you know who the lady in the photo is, speak up!  All of these items I found will be used to make some of the necklaces I will be posting on my Etsy shop in the near future, so be on the lookout!  (If you click on that link, you will get to my shop, which is closed for vacation till the 30th of this month, but check back after that.  I have some neat things for sale!)  Oh, and here are the bottles!

I know, they're cool...you can be jealous, it's okay :)

Road Trip Days 2 & 3...Adventures in Technological Withdrawal...

Let me begin this post by saying that since I had decided to chronical every fun and meaningful moment of our trip on my blog, I started out with a sense of adventure that I might not have felt otherwise.  I wanted to capture everything on camera and really savor it!  So imagine my utter disappointment at waking up two mornings ago (on day 2) at the hotel and not being able to get my computer to boot up properly.  WTF??   I mean, it worked Saturday night, what could have happened while it was logged off during the night to make it malfunction?  I decided to chalk it up to nothing and just try again later when I arrived in Georgia. 

We went off on our merry way, exploring the unknown, seeking out every little out of the way thing that we would otherwise have missed were we in a hurry to reach our ultimate destination...afterall, the point was not just the destination, the point was the journey.  So we had fun and I caught it all on camera...to the extent that my kids were starting to think something was wrong with me at first and then later, they were telling me, "Mom!  Grab the camera!"

We went to Live Oak, FL (a place I went as a kid because my grandfather had a farm there) to see if anything looked familiar...it didn't (it's been 40 years!) but the town is really old and cool, so I took photos of some houses I liked.

With a little TLC...

Look!  It's for sale...future retirement house?

We tried to pick blueberries, but in Live Oak, nothing's really open on Sundays...including the farms.  So instead, the kids posed for a photo op with a cow or two :)

How fun!  We decided to pick some blueberries!

Blueberry farms in Live Oak are closed on Sundays :(

Instead of picking berries, the kids posed with some cows

We ate lunch at Cracker Barrel and then, because we weren't in a big rush, the kids played checkers afterwards and I sat in a rocking chair.

I mean, we even had fun sitting in a traffic jam singing stupid songs and posting updates to my status on Facebook.  (Yes, I was keeping the 10's of people who gave a crap constant updates on every little thing courtesy of my son, who was doing the typing on my phone.) 

And so it was that we eventually arrived in Georgia and I couldn't reach my sister-in-law Cindy who had been due to arrive back from her European river tour the same day.  So I called my other sister-in-law Karin, who, after several failed attemps, finally answered her phone and said, "Weren't you supposed to arrive on the 18th?"  My response was, "Well, yes, what's today?"  To which she replied, "It's the 17th."  To which I responded, "Oh crap!  Are you sure??"  Uh, yeah...I got the days mixed up and left an entire day too early :)

Karin kindly invited us to come to her house, totally uninvited and last minute-like and even fed us really yummy food, which she cooked, for us, after she had worked all day in her yard.  And when I say yard, I mean farm-yard, cause she lives way out in the country and has a huge piece of property with a giant vegetable garden and pastures and a barn.  Yeah..I know, she's fabulous that way, just like Cindy.  Speaking of Cindy, she called us after we had arrived at Karin's...their plane had just landed at Atlanta airport and it would be something like 11 pm before they would be home so we would meet up the next day.

So we invaded Karin's house and I promptly ask if she had wireless and she said no, but she has an aircard on her computer and I could use the aircard to download updates on my computer to try to get it to work and, long story short, none of it worked on my computer, I still couldn't get on.  So she kindly allowed me to use her laptop to post the post about me not having a computer.

So we spent the night at Karin's house and the kids got to ride the ATV with their uncle John and everything!  I slept in a VERY comfortable bed and got a fabulous night's sleep and was ready to get over to Cindy's so the kids could play with their cousins.   Before leaving, I took beautiful photos of Karin's garden and of the humming birds that were buzzing all around her feeders!  She also sent me on my way with some absolutely GIANT zucchinis fresh from her garden.

It was hard to catch the hummingbirds on film!

After arriving later that morning at Cindy's, I promptly tried my computer AGAIN and AGAIN, it failed to boot up.  I asked Cindy where the nearest Best Buy was and she told me it was more than an hour away at which point, I started thinking about when I was going to head out in order to buy a new laptop.  Also, sometime during that whole ordeal, my brother-in-law Hans told me that we couldn't access the internet anyways because they had gone over their monthly allotment and it had been cut off.  Uh, WHAT?  Yeah, apparently, out here in God's country, the internet is scarce and expensive so they put limits on it and if you go over, they will cut you off!!!  Have you ever heard of such a thing?  Oh, and while I'm at it, let me just say that, in addition to the computer not working? my phone also wasn't working, cause apparently, T-Mobile doesn't have any towers out this way, so NO phone, NO email, NO internet, NO blog. 

I wasn't expecting this and I guess I felt a little like a crack head that just got arrested and found out there wasn't going to be any crackberry or any other questionable technological substances coming my way for, like 2 whole weeks!  I was not a happy camper and was having a sort of mini-meltdown and trying not to make an ass out of myself.  I was trying to rationalize and deny...I was bargaining and pleaing.  I offered myself up for slavery to my bro-in-law if he would only allow me to pay for the internet so they would turn it back on and he was looking at me as if I was sick.  I tried to explain...I had plans!  This is part of my relaxing...part of my vacation, this decompressing in print...this bonding with other moms in blogland.

I am not good at sudden shifts in my world.  While I can deal with emergencies by shifting into my "cop mode" I don't deal with change in routines or paradigm shifts as smoothly as some people do.  I know this is not an attractive personality trait, but I recognize and try to deal with this short-coming.  While I was still in panic mode, Hans dealt the final blow..."The internet won't be back on till the next billing cycle cause we went over, period."  Well, okay then, I guess that's it.  No point in buying a new laptop if there isn't going to be an internet connection to connect to.  It started to sink in that I was going to have to re-think this vacation WITHOUT the possibility of blogging every day. 

Slowly, I realized that I could just take all my photos and do it when I got home.  It wouldn't be so bad.  I would probably lose a few readers because of the huge gap in posts, but it would be okay.  I would be okay and would survive without it (phone, computer, etc.) for the next 10 days or so and I would be okay...really, I would!

So Cindy and I decided to make some zucchini bread with the ginormous zucchinis Karin had given me from her garden and I took photos.  Then we ate the bread.  Then we walked out to the chicken coop and I took photos of the chickens, and the goats and later her garden.  As we all sat down to dinner, Hans looked at me and said, "You know, the next billing cycle starts tonight at midnight."  Yes, people!  He had let me think there was going to be no internet for an entire afternoon, just to mess with me!  I just LOVE him!

Guess what Cindy and I did after dinner???  We drove to Walmart and I got myself a brand new netbook (just like the one above, only black...it's so cute and small with a 10" screen) and when I got back to the house, I downloaded all my photos so easily cause it has a card reader!!  No cable needed!  So here I am, back in the land of the connected living, happily blogging about what I am doing on my summer vacation!  I have so many things to tell and show you (from just the last few days!) so I'll be catching up.  I'm going to break it up into several different posts.  I can't wait to show you the gardens and the fun stuff we've been doing.

Road Trip Journal Day 1...A day full of surprises...

Day one hasn't turned out as badly as I thought.  When I was running around like the proverbial chicken this morning, I thought that things would continue to be hectic and I started to stress, just a little.  At some point though, I decided that this is supposed to be a vacation.  Why stress about anything?  Why not just go with whatever happened?  Why not just RELAX????  Well, why not?  I decided to relax and have fun.  


We finally got the car loaded and were ready to go at 1:15 this afternoon.  Having remembered to bring my camera along, I decided to be the camera geek and record everything possible on it.  I started by taking this photo in our driveway using the handy-dandy tripod my husband made using a gatorade bottle and a bolt in the top.  Here we are, ready to leave on an adventure!

(Of course, I had to threaten the boys to get them to smile, but, look, it worked!  sort of)

In the car and on the road and 5 minutes in, we were making our first stop at McD's for sustenance for the trip.  Fifteen minutes later, we were driving north on the Turnpike and both boys were asleep.  I found myself relaxing...for real.  I started to think about the potential of this trip.  We are going to North Georgia to visit Cindy (Kurt's sister) and her kids.  While up there, I plan on making a side trip to Nashville to visit my step dad and a dear friend (Mel) and her kids.  As I thought about the drive up to Nashville, I realized I would be driving right near Turtletown, TN.  This is the little town Mama Hickey lived in and where I spent an awesome summer as a child.  Ironically, that town was the destination that lead to one of the most memorable road trips of my childhood.  


So now, I will drive my kids to Turtletown and spend a day showing my kids around.  I hope I can find the shack we lived in that summer.  I hope I can find everything!  I am so excited by the thought of going there and showing them!


Anyway, driving while the kids slept, I enjoyed my streaming thoughts.  It was very peaceful.  I found that I wasn't stressed at all and was looking forward to the whole journey ahead.  I wasn't even nervous about seeing my mother.   Photos of the trip as it happened...

And a little north of Orlando...a valley!!  Hills!

For those of you with exceptional eyesight, yes, those are bugs stuck to the windshield.  Also, for those of you who live in areas of the country where there are REAL hills and valleys, humor me.  This is a Florida valley.

And then I arrived in Ocala for the visit with mom.  It wasn't even awkward, compared to my relationship with my mom that is.  I mean, it was nothing like other mother-daughter relationships where there is bonding and gushy mom love, but it wasn't bad and it wasn't uncomfortable.  Really, what more could I ask for?  Maybe she is changing now that she is older?  I don't know, maybe there is hope for her yet.  

As soon as we arrived at my mom's apartment building, I saw her sitting out front.  She didn't get up when I got out of the car and I thought that was a bad sign, but it turns out she just didn't recognize me with the blond hair...last time she saw me, it was dark.  So we all hugged and she said she wanted to go to the Golden Corral for dinner.  I'm not a fan of Golden Corral.  I've never eaten there, I just have a thing about buffets.  I always think of "Golden Trough" when I think of it...too much food all laid out and lots of people milling around...ugh!

So anyway, we went there and there I was, snapping the photos :)

Arriving at the Golden Trough

See the manager at the front of the photo?  He was very nervous that I snapped this photo and came over and asked me if there was a problem!  I guess most people are too busy eating and aren't really taking photos of the food.  Wonder why he was so nervous???

Please note the combination of foods, steak, spaghetti, fried chicken, biscuits, and homemade potato chips.

Me and mom.  I want to go on record stating that I did not eat at the trough.  I just wanted to make that clear people!

Round 2 included an ice cream cone, a slice of pizza, a roll and chocolate chip cookies.

Still eating...feeling strong!

Can't believe I ate the whole thing!

Grandma hugs.

And after leaving mom, it was back on the road.  We drove another hour and then found a nice hotel for the night.  Jack was so thrilled with the room and said it was the nicest place he has ever stayed.  It was very nice and huge!  We each had our own comfy bed!  What a great start to our trip!  Now, it's time to shower in the beautiful hotel bathroom and get a good night's sleep.  Tomorrow morning after breakfast, I'm going to drive the kids to Live Oak for a little field trip (out of the way and not on our route) just to show them a place where I spent time as a kid.  I know there's no way I will ever be able to find the location of my grandfather's old farm, but I can show them the town and maybe I'll recognize something...fingers crossed!!

ROADTRIP!!

Ok, so maybe I'm not really THAT excited about it, but it seemed like I should shout it, so I did.  But here's the deal.  I'm leaving in the morning, but not until I have finished packing (cause I haven't yet cause I have been working and plus, I have to do laundry first.)  Then, I have to go pick up Jack from his scout camping trip this week.  Then, I have to get Lee to the football field to pick up his equipment for the season which starts the day after we get back.  Then I have to take the dog to my mother-in-law's house cause she's babysitting, then I have to pack up the car and pray that the check engine light that's on doesn't really mean anything's wrong after I already spent $350 fixing what was supposedly causing it to come on in the first place, but which didn't turn off the light except for the day when I picked up my car after having it repaired.

Then, I'll get on the road and drive to Ocala to see my mom, cause she hasn't seen any of us in a year and a half cause she moved to Ocala and still has the nerve to ask me every time I speak to her when she's gonna see me cause I never come see her and really, I don't want to see her cause, well, you know...  So anyway, I'm gonna take the kids to see her cause she's getting older and well, I just don't want to feel guilty about it and this should tide things over for another year or so.

And then, I'll drive to Kurt's sisters houses in Georgia and the kids will get to hang with their cousins and we'll have all sorts of adventures and I'll take lots of pictures and write lots of great posts :)

And then, I'll drive to Nashville and visit my stepdad aka: Dudley DoRight and my step brothers and my totally awesome girlfriend and her family and we'll have all sorts of great cocktails and talk until 2 in the morning and catch up and hug and cry and then I'll get back in the car and drive back to Georgia to Cindy's house (Kurt's sister) and we'll have more fun and adventures and then I'll drive home with two exhausted boys and a car load of dirty laundry and fun memories.  PHEW!  I'm thinking I'm gonna need a little pedicure and some mommy juice when I get back!

on the verge of...something...

I have it tonight...the feeling that there is a giant hole in my gut.  The feeling that tells me I missed...something... along the way.

I have noticed that I get this feeling, this emptiness, when I contemplate who I am and how I got here.  I get this feeling when I start to think about the me that was there when I was on the verge of becoming...something.

The empty place opens up every time I think about the fact that I didn't go to college after high school.  I was accepted at three schools, Baylor and UT in Texas and Florida State in Tallahassee.  I enrolled in Florida State.  I was all set to go.

My mom decided, right before the fall semester started, that we needed to move to Orlando because Tallahassee was bad.  Something bad had happened to her (she was accused of shoplifting in an Albertson's grocery store by a clerk and the police took her to the station to search her.  They found nothing and let her go, but the damage was done.)  My mom never stayed any place where something bad happened to her.  She had a long track record of running away.  Of disappearing and remaking herself.  And bringing us (my sister and I) along in the wake.  To start again from nothing.  To be the new kids.  Again.

When she told me she was moving and that I was coming with her, I wanted to tell her "no."  I wanted to say that I would stay and go to school...but I didn't.  I helped her pack our things and then we moved.  Just like that.  Away from school.  Away from what could have been, if only...

It's hard for me to think about that now.  As silly as it is, when I think about the fact that I didn't stand up for myself and figure out a way to do what I wanted (needed) to do, I am sad way down inside.  If only I had been the person I am now, I would have done it.  I would have stood up to her.  I would have stayed and gone to school like I had planned.

It surprises me how much it all still hurts me.  I am married and have had a successful career in law enforcement and I have my sons.  I don't regret my life as it is, I just miss what I missed.

I don't think that going to college and getting a BA or JD would have made me a better person.  That is not what I am talking about.  It's just, I guess I regret not having had the possibilities that were right there.  Maybe it's just the fact that I didn't even try to do it that really bothers me.  The fact that I gave in so easily and went with my mother, whom I hated.  Why would I do that?  How could I have done that?  Did I just admit that I hated my mother?

Tonight, my friend Kelli told me she is getting her masters in writing.  She is living in a dorm right now and somehow making it work even though she has a family at home.  I envy her.  I feel the hole in my gut.

Could I have gotten here from there?  From Florida State?  What if I had gone there and become the civil rights attorney that I had planned on being?  Would I have met Kurt and had my sons?  I don't know.  It's not that I am ungrateful for the things I have, the blessings, the bounty, not at all.  It's just that sometimes I wonder what would have been there in its stead.  I went to school part time while I worked as a police officer.  I got my AS degree from the community college.  It was enough to get me promoted at work.  It wasn't enough to fill up that hole.

I don't like this feeling...this empty ache.  I don't know what to do about it except to write it down in an attempt to get it out...examine it and then put it away...until next time...when I feel like I am on the verge of...something...indefinable.

Natural birthing at home, pot-smoking hippies, and pizza deliveries...

Jack was my second baby. To say that he was an accident is not QUITE accurate. When Lee was about nine months old (and still screaming with colic and misery every day) Kurt began his attempts at convincing me that we should have another baby (he has stated many times that if he had the money, he would want 10 kids...he loves them!) I actually felt like he had lost his sanity and reason. ANOTHER baby? Are you kidding? I couldn't deal with the one I had much less see adding another one! I had seriously questioned the whole idea of motherhood at that point, I mean, who, in their right mind, would choose to alter their lives to the point of not being able to recognize themselves? Who would choose to go an entire day without brushing their teeth or showering? I was so overwhelmed with the ONE bundle of joy I had that I could never, in a hundred lifetimes, imagine adding ANOTHER one!

I honestly couldn't even understand how Kurt could really want another one. The changes in his wife alone would be enough (you would think) to put him off of sex for the rest of his life!

So anyway, he was working on me and I was telling him he was nuts. I didn't want another baby...EVER! And then one drunken night, no birth control method (I was breast feeding the most voraciously hungry skinny little baby ever and couldn't take birth control pills...Kurt was supposed to be in charge of birth control and he was using the early withdrawal method...which he failed to use that night and afterwards, I punched him several times and said something like "I can't believe you just DID that!!) and a baudy session of sexual activity later, I found out I was pregnant with another little parasite! My son Lee was only 10 months old at the time and my first clue that I was pregnant came when he latched on to get a meal (breastfeeding, remember?) and it nearly killed me. I had been breastfeeding for 10 months at that point and my boobs were basically bullet proof, so when it hurt for him to nurse, I knew something was wrong...very wrong.

So after the shock of finding out that I was, indeed, pregnant, I actually started to get excited about another little bundle to love and care for 24 hours a day. I managed to get through the morning sickness by plugging in one video after another for Lee while I laid on the couch in a semi-conscious haze of exhaustion and nausea. Fortunately for me, Lee loved Barney and could watch the same five videos over and over without getting sick of them. I managed to memorize every word and song of those videos and could tell you the names of all the children and characters involved...oh yes, I was that good! Oh, and while I am confessing that my first born child was babysat by television from a young age, let me also say that he is still intelligent and manages to function in spite of all of my short-comings as a mother.

I digress...

As my pregnancy moved along, I started to realize that I was going to have to give birth at some point. I had been seeing the obstetrician who delivered Lee at the hospital as he had been my doctor for about 12 or 13 years at that point, however, I was beginning to have doubts that it was the right thing to do (continue seeing him.) I was starting to think that I should do everything different with this whole birth thing this time. Remembering how awful Lee's birth had been and how he had almost died in the process (no joke) I was thinking I should find out more about alternatives.

Kurt and I attended a Bradley birthing class and got a real education about what happens to your body when you are in labor. Seriously, I didn't learn anything at the Lamaze class the nurse at the hospital taught. She mostly talked about how there was going to be a monitor hooked up to my belly and I should just relax and do whatever the nurse told me to do once I got to the hospital...you know, be a good patient. Well, I can tell you that I TRIED to be a good patient the first time. I really did! I had gone to my epidural class at the hospital and signed the consent forms knowing full well that I didn't want to suffer if I decided that the whole "natural birth" thing (ie. no pain killers) wasn't for me. When I was in labor with Lee, I was basically tethered to my bed with an IV and the baby monitor hooked up to my belly. At some point, they started giving me pitocin "to help my contractions become more effective" and that's when things went south. It did help my contractions get stronger and I started begging for my epidural. I signed up for it for cripes sakes...give me my fucking epidural!

I never got the epidural and Lee came along and almost didn't make it because my placenta ruptured and a whole host of horrible things happened to me right before and after he came out. It was literally the stuff of nightmares and I have the video to prove it! I will save us all the trauma of posting that though...just believe me when I say I wanted everything to be different, and better, with baby number two.

Turns out, we didn't have a birthing center nearby and when we visited one in Sunrise, FL (about 45 minutes south of our home at the time) the woman there suggested we check into home birthing and gave us the name of a midwife. My reaction was something like "Um, excuse me...did you just suggest that I give BIRTH in my HOUSE??" She assured me it was perfectly safe for healthy moms and babies and that I should check it out. Kurt and I left shaking our heads and I was saying "I am not having a baby on my kitchen floor like some pot-smoking hippie from the 70's...I'm a Republican for God sakes!"

Well, after a few weeks of researching and watching videos and talking to our Bradley class instructor and the midwife we were referred to, we decided to go ahead and have our baby at home...I know, crazy, right?? All of my friends thought I was a nut because you definitely couldn't get an epidural in your living room. There was going to be nothing to relieve the pain and things could go wrong. We were aware of the risks and the potential benefits and decided to do it, in spite of what everyone else thought about it. I ordered my "birthing kit" off of the internet as per my midwife's instructions and bought a blow-up baby pool at Toy's R Us because we had decided that "Jack" was going to be born in the water because it was "gentler" and I was thinking that maybe if we did everything in the exact opposite way with him, he would be calmer and quieter and easier than Lee...HA! (that's another story.)

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you...when I called my doctor to tell him I wouldn't be back I spoke to his wife (who was his nurse.) I told her I was planning on having the baby at home and she said, "Well that's one we haven't heard since the 70's." Of course, this made me feel odd because, believe me when I tell you, I was NOTHING like a hippie mama from the 70's. My house (before Lee) had been very clean and orderly...full of antiques and beautiful things...clean (did I mention clean?) and I was (again, before Lee) conscious of my appearance, well groomed (no big bush or armpit hair,) educated, smart, adventurous and, well, not even on the same planet as people who are "crunchy" and "natural" and who could live in a commune.

So, on the fateful day, (my due date) I went into labor. Kurt filled the baby pool with warm water and walked around with me to help the contractions. My mother in law picked Lee up and took him with her (unlike the SNL video, I didn't want children around...ewwww!) and I called my friends and let them know I was having the baby. (All of my friends wanted to see this home birth thing and plus, none of them had ever seen a baby born even though they had all had their own babies.) I had a steady stream of visitors and five of my close friends actually stayed with me the whole time. I also had three midwives (yes three!) as there were no other births in their practice that day so they all decided to come.

My labor lasted a long time and let me tell you...it hurt! The baby pool with the warm water really did help. I also had my girlfriends all around me. They massaged my lower back during contractions, held my hair out of my face, spoke softly to me and told me it was all going to be alright and loved and supported me the whole time. Kurt was busy making sure to keep the pool warm by bailing out the cooling water and adding pots full of boiling water (yes, he boiled water!) to the pool. He was also in charge of doing hypnosis on me (he is a certified hypnotist and we did the whole hypnosis thing in order to keep me relaxed and yes, I am very susceptible to hypnosis and it worked pretty well) and feeding everyone. At one point, I realized he wasn't there and one of my friends told me he had gone out for pizza!

It was about 1 a.m. on Mother's Day that Jack was born, in my kitchen, in a little baby pool, in our home, with my friends and husband present and my sister on the phone from North Carolina. Kurt delivered Jack and handed him to me to nurse and he cut the cord a few minutes later. It was not rushed or crazy or messy. After the midwives got us situated in my bed and Jack had been checked and weighed and everyone went home, the three of us got to sleep undisturbed by nurses checking my blood pressure and temperature and telling me to nurse the baby every 2 hours. The whole experience was amazing and awesome and I would do it all again if I ever found myself pregnant again (bite your tongue!)

Rainy days...

We are on our third rainy day in a row.  Although we desperately need the rain here, it's been three continuous days of sprinkling with intermittent thunderstorms.  I am feeling a little melancholy and out of sorts.  This rain makes me think of the shack we lived in for a summer in Turtletown, Tennessee when I was a little girl.

This picture is not the actual shack.  I am sure that one is long gone.  However, this one is similar in many ways.  The roof over the porch was not falling down, but the house looked beaten up and weathered, like this one.  The shack we lived in sat on the side of a hill, so the front was on stilts and under the house was where we did our laundry in the old washer (another story.)  But just so you can get a visual, this one will do.

Now, imagine this house surrounded by woods on a dreary, gray rainy day that soaks the spongy ground and you can start to feel my mood. 

When it rained, that metal roof (which was just as rusty and old as the one in the photo) leaked.  We had buckets all over the place.  There was no inner ceiling, you just looked up at the metal roof. The sound of the rain on that roof depended on how hard it was raining.  When it sprinkled, it was a soft sound that was almost like white noise turned down low...kind of soothing.  When it poured, forget about conversations. 

When it rained like that, there was really only one thing to do...take a nap.  As a kid, I hated taking naps.  I especially hated trying to take a nap in a bed with my mother, who couldn't fall asleep if anyone was moving around.  My sister and I were wiggly and fidgety when we tried to settle down for a nap with my mom.  This stressed her out and made it difficult for all of us to relax.  As a kid in that shack with nothing else to do, I hated rainy days.

Now, as an adult, I almost wish I could go back to that shack and listen to the rain on the roof.  I would like to lie down on a soft, comfy bed with white cotton sheets.  The windows would be open because there was no air conditioner in that little house.  The breeze would blow slightly and I would lie down with the man I love and he would hold me from behind and kiss me on my neck and we would fall asleep...safe in our little old house with the leaky metal roof.

He hit a grand slam!

Yesterday, my son's team had to play their rivals.  This rivalry stems from the fact that there was only one travel baseball team in Jupiter until this past spring.  Because so many boys came to try out and because there was another coach who wanted to build a new team, a second team was formed.  Consequently, some of the members of the first team wanted to join the new team and there were hard feelings on the part of the first team...are you still with me?

Those hard feelings (most notably on the part of the other team's coaches) have turned into a full-blown rivalry between the two teams.  It has been said all along that the new team isn't as good as the original team, that they are nothing more than a practice or a "B" team.  While I don't think the boys really care one way or the other, some of the parents and coaches have been upset by this.

Last week, we played our first game against this other team.  They beat us...badly...they spanked us...we lost that game 10 - 0.  Our boys were clearly intimidated by the other team who were very pumped up for the game.  They played like champs and they won, fair and square.  The thing about the game though, was the way their coach behaved throughout the entire game.  While the boys were excited and played very well, their coach acted like an imbecile.  He was shouting things to his boys and ours.  He intentionally distracted our pitchers as they were pitching and so many other things.  He shouted loudly every emotion he was feeling during the game and then after the game, made a gesture with his fist toward our coach.  Overall, not a good example of sportsmanship.

After that game, our boys were feeling very defeated.  I did not like seeing my son like that, but I told him to shake it off and play harder next time while telling him that they would most definitely play this team again.  All of us encouraged the boys to work harder to improve their skills so they would be more confident the next time they played the team.  I am sure that to a 10 year old boy, this advice is not very helpful and it was sad to see my boy feeling so demoralized.

Since this was an All-stars season, there wasn't much time to feel sorry for themselves and after having Father's Day off, they were back to work last Monday...and Tuesday, which lead us to our next tournament this past Wednesday.  As luck (or fate) would have it, we won one and lost one and ultimately, in our third game, were paired up once more with our rivals.  The game was set to be played Friday night but was rained out.  After waiting 2 1/2 hours at the field, the lightning didn't subside and the game was postponed until Saturday morning.  In preparation for this particular game, I did not force my son to nap or eat his protein.  We did not go to batting practice or talk about powering through or mindset.  No.  This time, I told my son not to worry.  That the other team was a team of boys just like him.  That they are not super heroes or gods and that he should only go out on the field and have some fun.  To remember that baseball is a game and that it is supposed to be fun.  That he should simply do his best and help his teammates do their best, cheer each other on and most of all, have fun.

In conversations with other parents at the game, I found out that they, too, had told their boys similar things.  I felt very relaxed going into Saturday's game unlike the last one we played against this team.  We had already gone to the dark place and had come out on the other side intact.  Where the last game was scary, this one was just a game of baseball on a hot, Saturday morning.

As the boys started to play, it was obvious that they were all feeling better about this game.  They played with confidence and were keeping up.  They were making plays in the outfield like they should and were keeping the other team from scoring.  As we came up to bat in the third inning, we loaded the bases.  We had not scored at that point and the other team had 1 run on the board.  We had two outs and my son came up to bat. 

Let me preface this part of the story by saying that Jack is known to have a great swing.  He is powerful and he works hard.  He goes to the batting cages nearly every day (his choice) and has even taken a few private lessons to improve his hitting.  He has the best hitting average on the team.  I don't know what his number is, but the last time the coach told me what it was a couple of months ago, it was .630 which is pretty high.  Jack is the number 4 hitter, which means he is the "clean up" because that position is supposed to "clean" the bases by hitting RBI's (runners batted in.)  So Jack is a really good hitter, but the thing that has eluded him was the over the fence home run hit that he has dreamed of since he first started playing.  Other boys on his team have hit home runs, but not him.

Yesterday was his day.  With bases loaded, Jack came up to the plate and, as his coach signaled him to do, took the first pitch (meaning he didn't swing) which was a strike.  Looking back at the coach, he confidently took the next signal which was to swing away.  At that point, he kicked the clay with his right foot precisely three times, digging the front of his cleat in slightly, circled the bat three times in front of his body (you know, like a propeller) and then positioned the bat over his right shoulder to wait for the pitch.  As the pitch came, he swung and the ball went...and kept going...and going...over the fence.  It was perfect.  It was amazing.  It was a grand slam.  The bases were loaded.  And then they weren't.  My son had cleaned the bases and now his team had 4 runs on the scoreboard.  Just like that.

In that moment, I felt so many things.  Excitement.  Jubilation.  Pride.  My son had done this thing.  He had accomplished what he dreamed of doing.  He was the king of the team at that moment.  As he ran around the bases, he had a huge grin on his face.  He knew, of course, what he had done and he was proud.  All of his teammates ran out of the dugout and greeted him with cheers and slaps on the back at home plate.  He was a hero to them.  He had put 4 points on the board and now they were winning!  Against their rivals!  Even better!  I noticed that the coach on the other team was much quieter during this game.

At that moment and for the rest of the day I felt such pride for my son.  It brought tears to my eyes every time I thought about how he must feel.  I was a cheerleader but never played a team sport as a child.  I never felt a moment like he had...the pride of accomplishment of reaching a goal as part of a team.  Of boosting my teammates by being my best.  I imaged what he must feel.  The confidence, the accomplishment, the happiness, the respect of the other boys.  It's hard for me to put into words what I have been feeling...this swelling in my heart.  It is so strong it almost feels like heartbreak.

My boy is not a baby anymore.  He is growing into a young man who can feel certain that he is capable of anything.  Wow!  That is my son!  I carried him in my very own body!  I helped MAKE him!  He is MY son!

So what happened with the game?  We scored two more times and they put a total of 4 points on the board.  At the bottom of the sixth and final inning, we were winning 6 to 4.  Our boys were feeling great and were confident of the win, but then, someone on the other team realized that our pitcher had pitched one inning too many and brought it to the attention of the umpire.  After some discussion between the coaches and the tournament directors, it was determined that we had to forfeit the game because of the error.  So we lost.  On a technicality.  So our team's inexperience ultimately lost us another game to our rivals. 

How stinkin cute are these boys?

But you know what?  Our boys felt like winners anyway.  They knew what the score was.  They knew they had played their best.  They knew that they deserved respect.  In fact, though the other team took the win and continued on in the tournament, some of the boys and parents from the other team came over to our side and congratulated our boys.  Two parents from the other team shook their heads and said they never would have wanted to win like this.  I respected the fact that they felt that way and that they had the grace and dignity to come over and say it to us.  To me, that is the very definition of sportsmanship.

THIS summer.

It's been a while since I've had the time and energy to write.  What have I been doing this summer you ask?  Not what you think!   If I ever needed a reminder that once you have kids, your life is not your own, then I have received said reminder THIS summer.

THIS summer is not filled with fabulous trips to the beach, nor vacations to exotic locations.  It is not filled with pina coladas by the pool nor boat trips to Peanut Island.  No.  THIS summer is filled with 1st and 3rd Defense and Bunt Play Gray!  It's filled with orange clay and batting cages...dirty knees and smelly socks.  Yes, THIS summer is the summer of baseball in all its hot, sweaty glory.  THIS is the summer I learned the signals for "fake bunt", "take pitch." and "swing away." 

THIS is the summer, I have watched my son work with single-minded dedication at improving his game. THIS is the summer, I have gained a new respect for the finer points of baseball and the complex plays involved in making a successful team.  THIS is the summer I have seen my son learn how to be a winner and how to lose with dignity.

I wouldn't trade THIS summer for all the vacations in Europe, cocktails by exotic beaches nor adventures in the Amazon Forest.  I wouldn't trade THIS summer with THIS boy for anything.