Tonight's dinner conversation...horny squirrels and sex partners

Photo credit

As you all know, we are sometimes prone to rather colorful dinner conversations around here.  Tonight's...

As Jack was telling me about the protagonists in a movie he was watching, I suddenly remembered the squirrels I had seen while walking Russell an hour before.

Me:  Oh!  I forgot to tell you guys about the mating squirrels I saw earlier!  (That quickly got their attention and it was quiet as all eyes turned to me.)

Kurt:  Mating squirrels?

Me:  Yeah!  The girl squirrel jumped on the tree in front of us (Russell and me) and then the boy ran after her.  She twitched her tail a few times and then he jumped on her back!  (I'm smiling as I tell it...it's funny and I can't help it.)

Kurt:  You know, that story reminds me of when we made these two guys (nudging his head towards the boys).  You twitched your tail and I jumped on your back!

Me:  You mean the TWO times we had sex and conceived these guys?

Kurt:  Yeah.

Jack:  Yeah, and daddy said, "That's the signal, green light!  Go!" (as he made a humping motion)

Jack:  All of this brings a question to my mind, Dad.  How many people...

Me:  (thinking)  Wow, there are so many possibilities of things that one could insert in there, he wouldn't possibly ever ask how many people his dad ever had sex with.

Jack:  How many people...have you been sexually engaged with?

Me:  (Looking at Kurt)  Oh my gosh!  You know, I thought about that ending to that question, but as I sat here and thought of all the possibilities for filling in the end of that sentence, I just KNEW that wouldn't be the question that would come out of his mouth!

Kurt:  (Choking on his food)  I know!  I thought of it too, but really didn't expect him to ask that!  You are the one (pointing at me) that started this!

Me:  I did not!

Kurt:  Yes you did, you were talking about horny squirrels.

Me:  No, I just told a story of the mating squirrels I saw.  You are the one that turned it into a comparison on how we conceived our children!  It's your fault!

Jack:  Well???

Me:  Just each other.  (The kids looked like they didn't even come close to buying that, but I really am not ready for that conversation.  You know, the one where the kids discuss your number and whether or not you fall into this category or that.  No, I am really not ready for that.  Better for them to just keep hearing that you wait for your one true love and that there really IS a Santa and a Tooth Fairy and an Easter Bunny.)

"Why is it that everything you do annoys me?"

Tonight, we decided that it was time that the boys start going to bed at a reasonable hour again since school is going to start on Monday.  At 10 pm, I told Lee he could go to his bed and read a book after he brushed his teeth.  Jack agreed to take a shower when Lee was finished brushing his teeth.  Lee, meanwhile was giving me "the look."  The look is a practiced death stare that he (quite frequently these days) gives me when he doesn't like what I am telling him to do.  I am trying very hard to ignore this look so that he doesn't think it gets to me (not that it does really, it's just irritating.)

So I ignored the look and went about other bedtime preps.  A few minutes later, he was in his room after brushing.  Good.  Compliance, even when given unwillingly is still compliance.  That is my mantra these days as I try to navigate through these almost-thirteen-years-old-hormone-infested waters without choking him to death or just beating him to a bloody pulp.

At 10:30, I walked into his room to say goodnight and hear his prayer (he still says a prayer and kisses me goodnight, sweet!) and he was playing with a little bucket of slime stuff.  Okay, he wasn't reading, but I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, because he was, after all, in bed as I had requested.  So I leaned over and he said his prayer and I kissed him goodnight.  As I turned to leave the room, he said, "I need my book."

I said, "No, it's time for lights out.  You could have read before, but not now.  Goodnight."

He said, "You said I could read."

I responded that we had already discussed that.

He said, "Why is it that everything you do annoys me?"

To which I calmly responded, "I think it's your age."

And he replied, "No, I think it's you.  I think you should think about that." 

And, God help me, the only response I had was a belly laugh.  I laughed and laughed and laughed as I said goodnight and turned off the light and walked over to Jack's room.  I could hear him yelling behind his closed door, "I'm serious!"

Jack was in his bed looking at me as I walked in and he said, "You should think about that!" and started laughing with me.

Sigh....I guess I will have to maintain my sense of humor if I am going to get through these coming years without finding myself in a rubber room or a jail cell.