What do burritos, special sauce and puberty have in common?

Monday night's dinner conversation, of course!  We were talking about Jack's performance at yesterday's baseball games.  He was the catcher for the second game of the double header and he did a great job.  He even threw the team's first out at second while a runner was trying to steal second from first.  He had 4 singles and a double with a total of 4 RBI's...like I said, he did a great job.  I was saying how good he looked behind the plate.  (We have been getting Jack extra coaching with a former pro-ball catcher in order to improve his game.)  I said he looked very athletic and had a lot of endurance.  I just told him he needs to improve his upper body strength a little more to catch up with his lower body.  He said he needed to work out more.  Lee informed him that he wouldn't really see much more improvement in the upper body strength until he reached puberty (because Lee is clearly an expert in the matter, being there himself.)  As Jack was jumping in to say he IS in puberty, Lee corrected himself to say that he meant Jack would improve when he got further along in the whole puberty thing.

As I was sitting there listening (having been working on a very stiff rum and diet soda) I stupidly asked, "How do you know when you are in puberty?"

Silence...

Lee:  "Pimples, voice cracking and stuff."

Jack's response was to grin and say, "Well, I'd rather not say during dinner."

To which I relplied, "Well, why not?"

Jack: "Because I'd rather talk to dad about it since he has the same thing as me."

And I said (it was the alcohol talking, I'm telling you) "I'm very familiar with the equipment, you know.  How do you think you came along?  I birthed you from my loins and I'm very familiar with the equipment that helped you get there in the first place.  Right?"  (Looking at Kurt who, to his credit only shook his head and started to chuckle.)

Kurt: "Maybe we should wait till after dinner.  I 'm not sure I want to hear this right now."

Jack: "But we're talking about burritos...and special sauce!"

Me:  "I know all about burritos and special sauce."

Jack:  "Is that true dad?"

Kurt:  "She knows more about the special sauce than I do."

Jack:  "Would you like some chicken with that?"

Lee (in a deep Southern accent):  "Chiggin nuggets!"

Which cause my boys to crack up and me to pause and say, "You know, I was wondering what I was going to blog about tonight.  Now I know."

Friday night's dinner conversation...

Husband:  Did you get the video I sent you today?

Me:  The one about the Johnson thing?

Husband:  Yeah, funny right?

Lee:  Johnson?

Me:  It's a boat motor, but also refers to a man's man part.

Husband:  It's a boat motor.

Lee:  Oh, that's funny!  Start my Johnson!  Drive my Johnson!

Jack:  Grind my Johnson!  Take my Johnson for a walk!

Husband:  Prime my Johnson, choke my Johnson.

Me:  The guy in the video Daddy is referring to is singing about his boat motor.

Jack:  Is there a girl in the video?

Me:  Yes, that's what makes it so funny.

Lee:  I gotta Johnson!

Husband:  Alright, that's enough talk about Johnsons.

Jack:  (In a deep creepy voice that sort of sounds like Jim Carey as an announcer)  Well, it's better  than THE VAGINA!  The ancient vagina...

Husband:  Alright, this is getting a little out of hand...

Me:  (Trying not to giggle)  Ok, this isn't really...

Jack:  (Still in creepy announcer voice)  The ancient Vagina is prehistoric and...

Me:  (Now giggling)  Prehistoric?

Husband:  Well, they have been around for a long time.

Lee:  It's a prehistoric dinosaur vagina.

Me:  Okay, okay, let's settle down.

Jack:  Well, vagina is better than saying pussy.  You said we can't say pussy.

Me:  You're saying it, you need to stop now.

Husband:  Okay guys, that's enough.

Lee:  Yeah Jack.

Jack:  Can I say the B word?

Husband:  No, what's wrong with you?

Jack:  It's in the dictionary.  You said we can say words that are in the dictionary. 

Lee:  Ass is in the dictionary.

Husband:  This conversation is not helping our digestion.

Jack:  What if you're digesting an Ass?

Husband:  (To me)  Can you believe these kids? 

Me:  I need a drink.

Road Trip Journal Day 7...Fresh caught crawdads over an open fire...

Today was a lazy country day...I actually read a book...and took a nap.  That was a treat. 
Meanwhile, the kids decided to camp out in the woods.  They took their tent and some necessary tools; gigs, shovel, knives (of course!), fishing poles, bait, etc.  They set up their tent and found crawdads, which they plan on cooking over their fire later and eating (gross!)  Remember that old song "Let's go fishin in the crawdad hole?"  They were very busy...

It's 5 pm right now and they haven't come in for anything to eat since breakfast this morning.  I don't know how they do that and I don't know how they can stand the heat.  It's over 100* out there today...but maybe it's a little cooler in the shade of the trees. 

I'm a little concerned that they'll be awake all night.  They have no pads or mattresses to sleep on.  Kylee says she gives them till midnight and they'll come back to the house.  I don't know, they look pretty serious about this...

Road Trip Journal Day 6...Go jump off a cliff!

You know, you have to be careful sometimes what you say to your kids...

Yeah.  Today, we took our little act back on the road and went to Alabama!  We drove to a place called Little River Canyon which is carved through Lookout Mountain and jeez! that place is unbelievably beautiful!  The first area we went to had a waterfall and was in, well, a canyon.  I know, right?  I'm a genius!  The river is pretty low right now, so we were able to walk over a bunch of the rocks and boulders to get to some shallow pools.  Here's a picture...

More boulders and rocks later, we reached this area which is actually behind the waterfall...the area where the water is flowing towards the fall.

Of course, the boys wasted no time getting into the fast-flowing water.  We moms got in too, but were a little more cautious on the slick rocks.   We spent some time sitting in the cool water and then decided to make our way down to the bottom of the canyon into the river bed below (it's mostly dry) in order to find some river glass.   Little did I know just how far down we had to go to get to the river bed...about 300 feet down.  Down a cliff.  With rock walls.  Not a path.  Look, here's what we climbed down..

Wait, this is only the beginning...there's more...

Did I mention that I was wearing flip flops?  No?  Well, I was.  Hey, I know it sounds stupid.  Of course, had I known I would be scaling walls and rocks and boulders, I would probably have worn my sneakers, but I didn't know that, so I wore my flip flops.  I am from Florida you know.  We don't have mountains and cliff walls there.

So we got to the bottom with only one injury, I scraped my knee on the wall coming down.  I was just glad I didn't break my neck!  The river bed was really cool and we found a lot of glass.  About 3 or 4 pounds for me with Jack scoring the coolest piece, the mouth of an old bottle with a TINY little opening...clearly old old old!  And after walking (make that scrambling over many giant and smaller boulders) for maybe a half hour, we arrived at the area at the bottom of the waterfall I showed you in the beginning of the post.  The kids jumped in the water and made their way over to this really neat and HUGE boulder sticking up at an angle in the water and started jumping off into the water.

After getting warmed up on this 12 foot drop, the boys were ready for bigger action and asked Cindy to take us to the Hippie Hole, which is where the big cliffs for jumping are.  Why is it called the Hippie Hole?  I have no idea.  Wait, let me go google it and I'll see if I can find out...I'm back, but I still don't know why.  There are hundreds of sites mentioning it as an awesome swimming hole with great jumping off places, but no explanation for the name.  On the way back through the dry river bed at the base of the canyon, we came across this little guy...

Actually, he wasn't that little, maybe 4 feet long.  Please take note of his position.  That's called a striking position.  He was originally crawling away from us and when the boys saw him, of course they wanted to catch him and play with him...and yes, I did say play. with a snake.  The snake didn't think it was a good idea either and after Jack grabbed him by the tail, he proceeded to get ready to bite him!  Now, the boys said, "Oh, he's only a King Snake and isn't poisonous."  Oh, well, in that case, I thought, by all means, please, go ahead and play with him!  NOT!  Boys!

And just to get the image of my children dying at the bottom of the canyon from poisonous snake bites or falling over the edge of the waterfall out of my mind, I took these happy flower photos...

And deep cleansing breath....ommmmm...yes, all better now...back in my happy place.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, we made our way back over to the wall we climbed down and then climbed back up.  I have to say, climbing back up was a little easier than climbing down and then it was back in the car for the 20 mile-twisty-turny-up-and-downy trip to Hippie Hole.  Did I mention I get really car sick when I am not the driver on said twisty-turny roads?  Well, I do and by the time we got to our destination, I was feeling a little queasy (as was Jack, what can I say, he's my boy) so the cure for that was more climbing of course!  And then we arrived here...

And the kids did this...

And this...

And this.

And then they did this...

And this too.

And amidst all this fun and adventure, I looked down and saw this...

And this...

Holy Mountain Goat, Batman!  I need a pedicure!  Stat!  What the hell am I doing out here climbing mountains in flip flops for Christ sake...sheesh!

Road Trip Journal Day 5...Homemade frog gigs, dead snakes and filthy boys...

Today is day 5 of our road trip.  It's not exactly a road trip at this point, it's more of a rest stop.  Over the last couple of days, the kids and I have been easing into a slower pace.  If you were looking at this by most vacation standards, it probably wouldn't measure up.  I mean, there is no theme park, no fancy restaurants, no night clubs or theaters...there is only this...

The boys have primarily been out haunting the woods behind the house.  They have gathered essential tools that are needed to build fires (afterall, even though it is boiling hot, boys need to build fires in order to have a base camp) and knives to cut limbs and make gigs to kill snakes and frogs (which will then be cooked on said fire and eaten by said boys.)

Please take note of the filthy hands...and yes, the boys DID kill this snake, which they claim is a Copperhead (because all enemies are surely dangerous and poisonous) using their gigs and knives.  Since they cut the head of the snake off, and the dogs carried it away prior to my arriving with the camera, I cannot confirm whether or not the snake was a poisonous Copperhead snake, but I was glad it was dead anyway.

See?  I wasn't exaggerating about the filthy feet either.  Note the artfully staged dead snake.  Lee's idea (those are his feet.)

This is a boy haven for sure.  The only thing that could make it absolutely perfect for them at this point would be for me to leave and check myself into a spa for two days.  They could tap into their caveman/wildboy side more deeply without me reminding them to brush their teeth and at least bathe in the pool for crying out loud!  Why is it that boys LOVE to be dirty??? 

Oh, and let's not forget about this part of the vacation...the gut-busting laughter that goes with being 11 and 12 years old and being a boy hanging out with your silly cousin (who does a great impression of Larry the Cable Guy) and not being able to take anything seriously...

This is it people...this is the good stuff.