Tonight's dinner conversation...horny squirrels and sex partners

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As you all know, we are sometimes prone to rather colorful dinner conversations around here.  Tonight's...

As Jack was telling me about the protagonists in a movie he was watching, I suddenly remembered the squirrels I had seen while walking Russell an hour before.

Me:  Oh!  I forgot to tell you guys about the mating squirrels I saw earlier!  (That quickly got their attention and it was quiet as all eyes turned to me.)

Kurt:  Mating squirrels?

Me:  Yeah!  The girl squirrel jumped on the tree in front of us (Russell and me) and then the boy ran after her.  She twitched her tail a few times and then he jumped on her back!  (I'm smiling as I tell it...it's funny and I can't help it.)

Kurt:  You know, that story reminds me of when we made these two guys (nudging his head towards the boys).  You twitched your tail and I jumped on your back!

Me:  You mean the TWO times we had sex and conceived these guys?

Kurt:  Yeah.

Jack:  Yeah, and daddy said, "That's the signal, green light!  Go!" (as he made a humping motion)

Jack:  All of this brings a question to my mind, Dad.  How many people...

Me:  (thinking)  Wow, there are so many possibilities of things that one could insert in there, he wouldn't possibly ever ask how many people his dad ever had sex with.

Jack:  How many people...have you been sexually engaged with?

Me:  (Looking at Kurt)  Oh my gosh!  You know, I thought about that ending to that question, but as I sat here and thought of all the possibilities for filling in the end of that sentence, I just KNEW that wouldn't be the question that would come out of his mouth!

Kurt:  (Choking on his food)  I know!  I thought of it too, but really didn't expect him to ask that!  You are the one (pointing at me) that started this!

Me:  I did not!

Kurt:  Yes you did, you were talking about horny squirrels.

Me:  No, I just told a story of the mating squirrels I saw.  You are the one that turned it into a comparison on how we conceived our children!  It's your fault!

Jack:  Well???

Me:  Just each other.  (The kids looked like they didn't even come close to buying that, but I really am not ready for that conversation.  You know, the one where the kids discuss your number and whether or not you fall into this category or that.  No, I am really not ready for that.  Better for them to just keep hearing that you wait for your one true love and that there really IS a Santa and a Tooth Fairy and an Easter Bunny.)

What do burritos, special sauce and puberty have in common?

Monday night's dinner conversation, of course!  We were talking about Jack's performance at yesterday's baseball games.  He was the catcher for the second game of the double header and he did a great job.  He even threw the team's first out at second while a runner was trying to steal second from first.  He had 4 singles and a double with a total of 4 RBI's...like I said, he did a great job.  I was saying how good he looked behind the plate.  (We have been getting Jack extra coaching with a former pro-ball catcher in order to improve his game.)  I said he looked very athletic and had a lot of endurance.  I just told him he needs to improve his upper body strength a little more to catch up with his lower body.  He said he needed to work out more.  Lee informed him that he wouldn't really see much more improvement in the upper body strength until he reached puberty (because Lee is clearly an expert in the matter, being there himself.)  As Jack was jumping in to say he IS in puberty, Lee corrected himself to say that he meant Jack would improve when he got further along in the whole puberty thing.

As I was sitting there listening (having been working on a very stiff rum and diet soda) I stupidly asked, "How do you know when you are in puberty?"

Silence...

Lee:  "Pimples, voice cracking and stuff."

Jack's response was to grin and say, "Well, I'd rather not say during dinner."

To which I relplied, "Well, why not?"

Jack: "Because I'd rather talk to dad about it since he has the same thing as me."

And I said (it was the alcohol talking, I'm telling you) "I'm very familiar with the equipment, you know.  How do you think you came along?  I birthed you from my loins and I'm very familiar with the equipment that helped you get there in the first place.  Right?"  (Looking at Kurt who, to his credit only shook his head and started to chuckle.)

Kurt: "Maybe we should wait till after dinner.  I 'm not sure I want to hear this right now."

Jack: "But we're talking about burritos...and special sauce!"

Me:  "I know all about burritos and special sauce."

Jack:  "Is that true dad?"

Kurt:  "She knows more about the special sauce than I do."

Jack:  "Would you like some chicken with that?"

Lee (in a deep Southern accent):  "Chiggin nuggets!"

Which cause my boys to crack up and me to pause and say, "You know, I was wondering what I was going to blog about tonight.  Now I know."

"Why is it that everything you do annoys me?"

Tonight, we decided that it was time that the boys start going to bed at a reasonable hour again since school is going to start on Monday.  At 10 pm, I told Lee he could go to his bed and read a book after he brushed his teeth.  Jack agreed to take a shower when Lee was finished brushing his teeth.  Lee, meanwhile was giving me "the look."  The look is a practiced death stare that he (quite frequently these days) gives me when he doesn't like what I am telling him to do.  I am trying very hard to ignore this look so that he doesn't think it gets to me (not that it does really, it's just irritating.)

So I ignored the look and went about other bedtime preps.  A few minutes later, he was in his room after brushing.  Good.  Compliance, even when given unwillingly is still compliance.  That is my mantra these days as I try to navigate through these almost-thirteen-years-old-hormone-infested waters without choking him to death or just beating him to a bloody pulp.

At 10:30, I walked into his room to say goodnight and hear his prayer (he still says a prayer and kisses me goodnight, sweet!) and he was playing with a little bucket of slime stuff.  Okay, he wasn't reading, but I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, because he was, after all, in bed as I had requested.  So I leaned over and he said his prayer and I kissed him goodnight.  As I turned to leave the room, he said, "I need my book."

I said, "No, it's time for lights out.  You could have read before, but not now.  Goodnight."

He said, "You said I could read."

I responded that we had already discussed that.

He said, "Why is it that everything you do annoys me?"

To which I calmly responded, "I think it's your age."

And he replied, "No, I think it's you.  I think you should think about that." 

And, God help me, the only response I had was a belly laugh.  I laughed and laughed and laughed as I said goodnight and turned off the light and walked over to Jack's room.  I could hear him yelling behind his closed door, "I'm serious!"

Jack was in his bed looking at me as I walked in and he said, "You should think about that!" and started laughing with me.

Sigh....I guess I will have to maintain my sense of humor if I am going to get through these coming years without finding myself in a rubber room or a jail cell.