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Saturday, July 9, 2011

on the verge of...something...

I have it tonight...the feeling that there is a giant hole in my gut.  The feeling that tells me I missed...something... along the way.


I have noticed that I get this feeling, this emptiness, when I contemplate who I am and how I got here.  I get this feeling when I start to think about the me that was there when I was on the verge of becoming...something. 

The empty place opens up every time I think about the fact that I didn't go to college after high school.  I was accepted at three schools, Baylor and UT in Texas and Florida State in Tallahassee.  I enrolled in Florida State.  I was all set to go.

My mom decided, right before the fall semester started, that we needed to move to Orlando because Tallahassee was bad.  Something bad had happened to her (she was accused of shoplifting in an Albertson's grocery store by a clerk and the police took her to the station to search her.  They found nothing and let her go, but the damage was done.)  My mom never stayed any place where something bad happened to her.  She had a long track record of running away.  Of disappearing and remaking herself.  And bringing us (my sister and I) along in the wake.  To start again from nothing.  To be the new kids.  Again.

When she told me she was moving and that I was coming with her, I wanted to tell her "no."  I wanted to say that I would stay and go to school...but I didn't.  I helped her pack our things and then we moved.  Just like that.  Away from school.  Away from what could have been, if only...

It's hard for me to think about that now.  As silly as it is, when I think about the fact that I didn't stand up for myself and figure out a way to do what I wanted (needed) to do, I am sad way down inside.  If only I had been the person I am now, I would have done it.  I would have stood up to her.  I would have stayed and gone to school like I had planned. 

It surprises me how much it all still hurts me.  I am married and have had a successful career in law enforcement and I have my sons.  I don't regret my life as it is, I just miss what I missed.

I don't think that going to college and getting a BA or JD would have made me a better person.  That is not what I am talking about.  It's just, I guess I regret not having had the possibilities that were right there.  Maybe it's just the fact that I didn't even try to do it that really bothers me.  The fact that I gave in so easily and went with my mother, whom I hated.  Why would I do that?  How could I have done that?  Did I just admit that I hated my mother?

Tonight, my friend Kelli from Narraganset No. 7 told me she is getting her masters in writing.  She is living in a dorm right now and somehow making it work even though she has a family at home.  I envy her.  I feel the hole in my gut.

Could I have gotten here from there?  From Florida State?  What if I had gone there and become the civil rights attorney that I had planned on being?  Would I have met Kurt and had my sons?  I don't know.  It's not that I am ungrateful for the things I have, the blessings, the bounty, not at all.  It's just that sometimes I wonder what would have been there in its stead.  I went to school part time while I worked as a police officer.  I got my AS degree from the community college.  It was enough to get me promoted at work.  It wasn't enough to fill up that hole.

I don't like this feeling...this empty ache.  I don't know what to do about it except to write it down in an attempt to get it out...examine it and then put it away...until next time...when I feel like I am on the verge of...something...indefinable.

7 comments:

Robin said...

Sweet Diana,

I know that ache. I had it too.

Go back. Get that JD. Fill it.

You'd be perfect for it now...and perhaps you would have needed allllllllll those experiences you have had to date to be that perfect!
Your biggest fan,
Rob

Rebecca Flys said...

...Everybody lets themselves down once or twice in life, in a HUGE way. It's what you do once you stop counting the coulda/shoulda beens and jump on the "where I wanna be" bandwagon that will turn your heart ache into a head shake!

I myself found myself pregnant for my daughter a month before graduation. So I got a job as a bank teller and became a single mother...so much for those honor scores huh?

Now, at 34 I'm back in school...and I made the Dean's List. IF there's ONE thing sucking out big time taught me, it's to focus on what I can do NOW and where I see myself in the future!

Hugs to you Betty Shmetty!

AllyCat said...

Do you believe in fate, Diana? If so, what may have seemed like a choice really wasn't. Maybe we are all where we are destined to be........and maybe you are still on the verge of something!!!!

Also, Florida State isn't all it's cracked up to be ;-)

Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy said...

Regret is part of life, I guess. We all seem to have them. But you're an incredible woman who has accomplished incredible things. A piece of paper doesn't make those things mean any more or less. Take it from me...I have that piece of paper, and it's not all it's cracked up to be.

ArtsyNina said...

THis makes me think of that Garth Brooks song about unanswered prayers. We all have those moments when we wonder what could have been... but if that would alter what I have now, then No, I'll pass.

It's NOT too late! You could go and do whatever you want - and probably be better at it than your eighteen year old self would have been anyways!

Slidecutter said...

Once again, thanks to Kelli (No.7), I find one more kindred spirit here in bloggyland. When I read your guest post over at Kelli's place this morning, there was just something that clicked; I decided to head right over to your blog when I got into my office. So very glad I did!

Reading this post was like looking into everything that dances, even stumbles, around in my head. Lots of self-doubt and that black hole which echoes "shoulda, woulda, coulda!"

But, we're here, right? I've personally made it this far, also in spite of a mother who ran away from her responsibilities, ignoring the scars she left behind.

Hopefully, there is still much to look forward to as our lives progress but, yes, that empty feeling is a stark reminder of all that might have been.

Amber_D said...

This post hit home for me, Diana. I've been having a similar internal struggle lately.
I'm sorry that you let your mom in a way dictate your life path, but you were young and what more do we know in those early years than to follow the person who is supposed to never lead us astray.
It is never too late though. I think any dream you had then can still be a reality.